My son doesn’t get out of school for another twenty minutes but I have found a massive parking spot that I have easily glided into without any second glances. No sensors even had the nerve to beep at me because there was no one the fuck around.

Unfortunately it wasn’t the same situation for the older lady who pulled up seconds before the bell.

“Parking is SLIM PICKIN’S ma’am!” I yell to her in the privacy of my own vehicle. Feeling complete dread I watch as she backs the ass end of her minivan halfway onto the sidewalk and the other half mere inches from my front bumper before she comes to a stop right in the middle of a crosswalk.

“What a dangerous life she lives.” I think to myself, “Choosing to drive without her glasses.”

But living dangerously is no excuse for you to park across the crosswalk of a school. Especially one where children dart out without any second thought.

As the final bell nears closer I watch as irritated parents walk around this minivan, stepping out of the painted lines that this woman in front seems to think are some form of art rather than safety.

“How the hell did this become my job?” I thought. “How have I become the person that is going to say something? I am far too young and hip for this. I am almost sure every other adult here is more adult than me.”

I unbuckle my seatbelt and make my way over to tap on her window.

“You can’t park here.” I try to say in my least alarming voice while banging on the glass then gesturing like airport ground control hoping she gets the picture.

She nodded apologetically and put ‘er into drive and… I don’t know, did a couple laps around the block? Either way, she moved.

I walked away at peace knowing that not all heroes wear capes and me and hundreds of other kids could safely cross the street without stepping out of bounds.

Fast forward a few weeks later. Someone else is straddling the crosswalk.

I didn’t notice them until I had already grabbed my kid from the school and was walking back. So in passing, I go over to said vehicle and begin my now ‘classic’ gesture. Because their windows are rolled up I really like to act out the point I am trying to get across.

“You can’t park here!” I mouth while doing my weird fucking jig that I seem to believe proves this is in fact a crosswalk.

I was unaware of who was inside the vehicle. I had already got ahead of myself with my ground control motions before even looking up. When I did, there was a teenage girl in the drivers seat texting, and what I assume was her teenage boyfriend next to her… laughing at me.

“How dare you.” I thought to myself. “I’m cool.”

A few days later I pull up at my usual time. Safe at that, knowing parking is available because God forbid I have to parallel park with people watching. I would much rather prefer to abandon my child.

I can’t specifically remember but I assume I must have been having a bad day, because what I was seeing was the sarcastic definition of the ‘cherry on top’. There, in the crosswalk, was a vehicle.

If that wasn’t bad enough, it was also blocking the bus route so they could barely get passed. On top of that, sticking out like a sore thumb like they didn’t even pull over to park. I imagine it’s how a drunk driver would ditch a vehicle once they realized the cops were on their ass and they had to make a run for it. But instead, it was a full grown adult picking up a child from elementary school while there was sufficient parking available.

When I exit my SUV and inconveniently make my way halfway through and then around the crosswalk, I viciously crank my head back and forth looking for the owner of this vehicle.

I spot one woman standing close by.

“Excuse me?” I ask in my most innocent voice. “Is this your vehicle?”

She shakes her head back and forth.

“Oh, okay. If you’re standing here when the owner comes back can you mention to her that she is parked in the crosswalk?” I ask.

“No!” is the response I get.

Now I get that a lot of people don’t care for confrontation. But for her to be so firm and stand her ground, her response caught me off guard. For a brief moment in time I wished that I could portray such assertion towards literally anything in my life.  

“You yelled at my sixteen year old daughter two days ago, TWICE! You told her to move because she was parked in the crosswalk and she wasn’t even parked in the crosswalk!”

I was taken aback at first. Mostly because I was still hung up on her prompt response that she wasn’t going to do anything about the safety of our children. But then because she assumed I had the audacity to yell at a sixteen year old for being parked in a crosswalk if she apparently wasn’t?

“First of all I didn’t yell at your daughter.” Her daughters window was rolled up and I didn’t want to have to demonstrate the motions I made as if I had had reflectors in my hands. “Secondly, why on Earth would I tell someone to move out of the crosswalk if they weren’t even parked there!?”

I didn’t even get a chance to state my third point of “She said I yelled at her twice?! Well that is just ridiculous! Now it sounds like she’s just telling on herself.”

As this Mom and I are hashing it out I can’t help but notice all the other parents hearing our argument with their children in tow having to make their way around this illegally parked vehicle.

“Am I overreacting?” I asked myself. “Also, where the fuck is the driver of this vehicle?”

All while this woman is arguing with me. “Why don’t you stick around to talk to the owner yourself? Oh thats right! You’re only willing to yell at sixteen year old girls because you’re too scared!”

Frustrated, I tell her that doesn’t make sense because I had originally confronted her to see if it was her park job, and that she was clearly over fifty. She wasn’t, but honestly now I was angry.

“Your daughter parked like a moron!” I said.

The second I realized I would never win the conversation was when she suggested I “pick my battles, but this shouldn’t be one of them.”

Mind blown, I walked away. Her children attend the same school as mine. Is it that crazy of me to be so concerned about people blocking a crosswalk?

I got home that day I told the story to my husband.

When I asked him if I was overreacting, he said “You can’t be yelling at people at school pick up.”

“I DON’T YELL!” I yelled.