Lights were flashing behind me as I was driving. I quickly asked myself if I had been driving badly but I knew that couldn’t be it. It had been weeks since I crashed into anything…

I barely noticed them because my window tint is so dark on my vehicle. And then I realized I was getting pulled over because my window tint is so dark on my vehicle.

It was only a matter of time. In fact, I was shocked and rather pleased that it took this long to get pulled over. I knew I was doing something illegal, albeit looking like a total badass doing it, but it is wrong and I am basically a criminal.

The officer made his way over to my window. He wasn’t wearing a mask and I normally wouldn’t care because Covid can go to hell, but I decided I didn’t want to look at his stupid face so this made me angry. Surely I wasn’t the only one doing something wrong here. How dare he be within six feet of me to give me shit. If I have to sit and listen to everything I am doing wrong, I expect you to tell me from as far away as possible. Like, so far that I can barely hear you and my wrongdoings.

My plan was to go in sweet. Maybe even a little sexy. Perhaps I unzip my big winter coat. Why don’t I unravel my giant scarf that is wrapped three times around my neck. My cleavage is in there somewhere if he’d just give me a minute.

But this officer could not be impressed. He was out for blood because although I was getting stopped for window tint, he decided to give me a breathalyzer. When I was told that I must take one, I looked to my passenger seat sure that I must have had a drunk in the vehicle with me. But it was empty. Because it was 11:30 in the morning and I was driving home from picking my kids up from preschool.

I was offended. Why did this officer feel the need to breathalyze me? But as I sat there being forced to think about my life choices I came to believe I deserved a breathalyzer because of the backseat full of kids that I deal with on a daily basis. Of course! Why wouldn’t I be drunk right now?

Completely willing at this point, I happily inhaled as much air as I could and proceeded to blow. All my years of high school dances in Saskatchewan had prepared me for this moment. I figured I was a natural considering you couldn’t enter any dance between Grades 9 to 12 without passing a breathalyzer test at the door.

The results were inconclusive. The officer had me try again.

After two inconclusive tests, I was told that I was not blowing properly. This left me confused. “Sir, I’m sure I know how to blow.” If I didn’t, why has my husband been trying to get me to do it more than once a year?

I blew a third time, even though I was sure it wasn’t even this officers birthday. I passed with flying colours, obviously, and smugly looked at the cop because he now knows my husband is one lucky guy every July.

Believe it or not, some people don’t think I am very funny and this man at my window was one of them. Not even proud of me for being stone cold sober at 11:30 in the morning, he told me he would be right back with my tint ticket.

I texted my husband that I had been pulled over. Unfortunately my boobs were not getting me out of this one.

“What a waste of money those were.” He says.

Right. But the tint was money well spent…

The officer returned with my ticket and I found out it costs $81.00 to be a badass. I thanked him even though I didn’t mean it, then rolled my window up.

I gave him the finger before driving off. He didn’t see it, thank God because my window tint was so dark.

Then off to the liquor store I went to buy alcohol for LATER that day.