My house is burning down. What do I save?
My perfume collection because it ain’t cheap. (But also, my kids, my cat, my jewelry, my husband if he is sleeping through it…)
———
When I was growing up, something my mother taught me was not to waste my money on cheap perfume. Ever since I can remember my mom always had a beautiful and vast display of perfume bottles with designer names on them. Every morning I would go into her room and spray some before heading off to elementary school, high school, my job as a waitress at a truck stop…
That’s right. I was wearing expensive perfume as a young child heading off to Brownies. I was wearing it to the truck stop, convinced THAT would get me $10 extra in tips. My mom taught me that cheap scents don’t last. Also, they make you smell like a twelve year old, so just fucking don’t.
One of my secrets to making myself feel put together and ready for the day is by spritzing some perfume, and by “spritz” I mean drench and by “perfume” I mean the good shit.
You will immediately feel better.
I am frugal. I have lived with my cheap husband for too long and his money mindset has worn off on me far too much. And just like my mom, I have always been a lover of affordable clothes. I am not willing to spend $100 on one top. I want 10 tops for $100. But one thing I have always spent the proper amount of money on is my perfume.
Don’t buy the designer perfume and save it for special occasions. You wear that shit every day. Spray it on your pulse points. Spray it in your hair that you haven’t washed in a week and is strictly styled via dry shampoo. Spray it on your ankles in case you find them wrapped around somebody’s neck later. You never know.
Yes, it is expensive. But it will last you longer than you think, even if you use it every day.
Use all those points you have racked up from Shoppers Drug Mart. You know you better be shopping there on days where you get a bajillion times the points. It’s like free perfume! It’s a no brainer.
Oh it’s Sunday and I’m ‘bout to wear my sweatpants ALL DAMN DAY? Perfume. You know why? I’ve got to have something going for me. I may be married but I haven’t completely given up on myself. On Sundays my husband thinks I’m hot because I’ve completely fooled him.
When I was pregnant I wore twice as much perfume. I would sweat like crazy and it smelled like onions. I DON’T EVEN EAT ONIONS. Something had to mask it. I would actually get in trouble every time I went to the doctor for a check up because apparently people have “sensitivities.” But guess what? They weren’t smelling onions.
Ladies, we shouldn’t be walking around smelling like cotton candy or cucumber melon. Leave that for the children (even though I was already wearing my moms perfume). Leave it for your man to buy you for Christmas so you can pretend to be exited about it but really not like it, especially after this little speech of mine.
Who needs a bouquet of flowers when you can smell like Gucci Bloom?
Splurge on the perfume. This goes for men too. Buy the good cologne. Quit doing that stupid X thing with your Axe body spray.
You’re a grown up.
