My baby is losing his first tooth. So I suppose I should not call him “my baby” anymore. Especially considering he is the oldest of three children.

Many people on my social media are currently in the throes of parenthood so my feed is packed full of articles about motherhood and being in “survival mode” and my sentimental ass can’t help but click on each and every one of them.

All of these essays, written by mom’s like me (but with a much larger audience) hit me right in the heart. We are all living on this planet that seems to be spinning faster each passing year. If we even blink, we might miss something.

The messages in the end are always the same. They speak of how hard life is right now, so cherish every moment because it will soon pass. But it is incredibly hard to appreciate these moments, even though you know you should. It is difficult to find joy in the middle of your struggles and amidst all the chaos that comes with raising a family. And just because you read an article telling you to love everything right now, doesn’t exactly make it happen. 

I find myself always yearning for that next milestone. Each one that my children reach means I am one step closer to “freedom.” But what do I even mean by freedom? It sounds like such a terrible thing to say. My freedom is the light at the end of the tunnel of sleepless nights with a newborn. It is my youngest being old enough that I feel comfortable leaving her with a babysitter. It’s my kids being able to pour themselves a bowl of cereal so that it is one less thing for me to have to do in a day. It is sending them off to school so that I have a tiny glimpse of time to be alone with myself. But ever since having kids, I don’t even know what to do when I’m alone. I catch myself constantly looking at the clock to see when my alone time will come to an end and I have to go pick someone up.

I fear that in a couple of years from now I will look back on these days of my life and I won’t remember a single thing. I feel disappointment at the end of more days than I’d like. Not unhappy, but disappointed that I didn’t manage to accomplish more. I spend my days running around and feel like I have nothing to show for it when my head hits my pillow at night. My husband reassures me that I have a lot of purpose and of course I am busy because I am raising three children.

I am the cliche of a mother who stays up late at night, worrying if I’ve done enough. Taught my children enough and wondering if they are fulfilled. Am I loving them hard enough? And will they forgive me for all the times I yelled at them today? Do they know I would do anything for them?

I think of how they will speak of me when they are grown. When I’m an old woman and they have flown this nest and they are living adult lives. Will they speak highly of their childhood? Will they have good enough memories to look back on?

I have been more excited about my children growing than I have been sad. Not because of that light at the end of the tunnel for me as a parent, but because life is exciting. It is so much fun to watch these little humans grow into these great big personalities. Special occasions are a lot more fun when the kids know what’s going on. Fair rides are more fun when they are tall enough to ride them. It’s so much fun to hear your little ones being able to talk about their experiences and it’s hilarious to hear them repeat words they shouldn’t say because it proves that they actually listen to us.

I get an ache in my heart when I look back at old pictures. I don’t remember my five year old being small enough to hold in my arms. I don’t remember my three year old being so bald. I’m hoping I wrote in my one year olds baby book when her first tooth came in because God knows the pages in that book are basically empty.

Although my brain keeps me up at night (or is it my heart?) telling me to cherish these moments, to simply do better and BE better, the days to come are still the same. A blur. A messy, chaotic and loud blur with lots of stress and laundry.

But that is why I need these little reminders during the day. An article someone poured their heart into. A little message of encouragement. Because in my daily life I am trying to get shit done. None of us are sitting there constantly taking it all in. We are fucking busy keeping everyone alive.

———

So when I decided to help my first baby make sure he brushed his teeth well enough only to discover a loose tooth, I sat down. Right there in the middle of the bathroom floor, to reflect on the past years of my life.

I stared at him. My baby. My eyes filled up with tears and I tried to blink them away.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” He asked, starting to get a little concerned.

I smiled, trying not to drown in sorrow from the realization of how my life is passing me by.

“Because you are growing up so fast.” I said.

It’s funny how these little things that don’t seem like much are what smack you in the face and make you pause. Life is busy. It’s okay if we don’t love every moment of it. But just a few words someone wrote, or something as silly as a loose tooth are what I need to make sure I’m not letting these days, months, YEARS pass me by. These moments make me take a step back and take in all that I have. To look at this life my husband and I have created and not take it for granted.

Life is good so make sure you notice. And if I can get this emotional over a loose tooth, pray for me when it actually falls out.